During the time when our children worry the most about who they are, parents worry the most about their kids not liking them. Now that we’ve been through the teen years with a few kids, I have a lot better idea what to do and what not to do when parenting teenagers.
Keep in mind that every teen is different. My advice is meant to help, but it’s not a sure fix to every situation.
Do talk with your teens, Don’t talk like your teens
One thing that has been amusing about having teenagers is that they come home using strange words, or old words used in a new way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to our teenagers, “What does that mean?” And you know what? They like the attention and are usually happy to tell me what it means. But they also get really annoyed if they hear any adult try to use that word in that way. Don’t even try, just let them do their thing.
Do check in with them, Don’t check up on them
This one is about trust. If you trust your teenagers, they’re more likely to be trustworthy. Communication is important, and you should know who they’re with, where they’re going, and what they’re doing. But don’t approach it like you think they’re up to something. And if you’re thinking to yourself that they’re up to something but don’t say it to them, they’ll know you aren’t being sincere. If you do think something’s wrong, ask them straight out.
Do be friendly, Don’t join the group
When you’re parenting teenagers, you’re sure to have their friends over sometimes. Be a good host or hostess, and make them feel welcome. But unless you invited them, or they invited you, don’t be so caught up in their games or conversation that it seems like you are trying to be part of their group.
Don’t text their friends, unless they text you first or they’re helping you plan your teen a surprise. Why? Because your teenager doesn’t want you to be in their friend group, they want you to be their parent. Being a parent at this point is a lot different than when they were little, but they still need you to be the parent.
Do set boundaries, Don’t smother them
Parenting teenagers means finding a new balance between giving them boundaries and freedom. These young people will soon be adults, and they need practice acting like adults while they still have parents close by to help them out. They also need practice with their own integrity. Making too many rules, or being too strict about the ones you have makes it harder for them to think for themselves and decide to make good choices. Sometimes rules that are too strict drive them to make wrong choices, just so they have some control over their lives.
Think about the big things; drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, violence, bullying, crime. If they are stearing clear of those things, you have a good kid. Set clear rules and expectations, and use consequences when they break those rules. But keep the rules about the most important things.
Use your teenager as a measuring tool for your rules. If they are too strict, they will react in a way that shows you’re being unfair. If they are too lenient, they will be doing things that make you uncomfortable. Find a balance between what’s fair for the teens and what’s fair for the parents.
Do counsel with them, Don’t counsel at them
There are times in parenting teenagers when a teen/parent councel is a great idea. When you have these meetings, make sure you talk to them like young adults. Talk with them, not at them. And seriously consider what they have to say. Try to find solutions to any issue that will be a benefit for all parties involved.
My hubby is so good at parent/teen counsels. There were times with one of our teenagers when I would be too upset by what was going on to be able to know what to say. But my hubby just talks to them like he’s having a business meeting, calm and collected, respectful and wise. I’m so thankful for my husband!
Do be yourself, Don’t pretend you’re perfect
Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, each of us do silly, strange, or foolish things sometimes. You know what? That’s okay! That’s what being human means. When you can be confident in yourself inspite of being human, not only will your teen have more respect for you, but it will be easier for them to have confidence in themselves. Like I said in the beginning, the teenage years are the time when our kids worry the most about who they are. Do your best to help them feel like they are worthy of being liked and loved no matter what flaws they see in themselves.
Best wishes in parenting your teenagers, and enjoy your adventure!
PS I got permission from my teens to use the picture and screenshot, and I had our 15 year old edit this post for accuracy.
For more ideas about parenting teenagers, see 5 Tips for Connecting with your Teens.
