The Storm Years

The sky is clear and the sun is bright. It’s a beautiful day. But wait, are those dark clouds on the horizon? Before you know it the wind is blowing and the rain is pouring, and you don’t even have an umbrella.

A dear friend told me she and her husband call the teen years “the storm years.” After parenting a few teenagers I know just what she means. Their moods change fast and furious like the weather in the desert monsoon seasons. What can start as a scorcher can have a dust storm and a pouring thunderstorm and still end a peaceful day.

Why is it that teenagers seem so hard to deal with?

Haven’t we known these people from the time they were born? I think the answer is in the question- we think we should know them because we’ve been with them their whole life, but they start acting so differently that we don’t feel like we know them anymore.

I have to put in a disclaimer here, that not all teenagers have that dramatic of a change, for some it is very subtle. And another disclaimer, I’m no expert at parenting teenagers at this point. Maybe after 18 more years… yes, it will be that long for us!

Right now we have 5 that I count as teens (ages 12-19). With their varying stages and personalities there’s quite a variety of “teenager” in our family. I think what they all have is common is

• New thoughts and feelings
• An intensity of feelings
• A need to be treated like an adult
• A need to be independent from parents

Unfortunately, these changes often come across as rebelliousness and seem offensive to parents, a lot because their new needs don’t come with the wisdom of acting in a nice way.

What I have learned about parenting teenagers has given me a metaphorical umbrella to weather their storms with. Today I’m going to share my “umbrellas” with you.

5 Tips for weathering the storms of the teen years

Umbrella #1: Listen to understand, not to fix. 

Being a good listener is a skill that is helpful in all our relationships. I think that we all have a tendency to want to fix each other’s problems, which is not a bad thing. The trouble is that most of the time when we tell each other our problems we don’t want advice, we usually just want to be understood. Saying things like, “Oh” “Hm..” “That’s frustrating” “Dang!” when someone is telling you their problems lets them know they’re heard, and that feels good. If they want advice, they will ask for it after they’re understood. Teens are a lot more willing to talk when they’re not being told what to do. I’m getting better at this skill, but haven’t mastered it yet.

Umbrella #2: Invite them to participate in making rules and consequences.

For some reason I thought that we had made all the rules we needed to for our kids when they were young, so it caught me off guard when our teenagers started doing stuff I didn’t like and we had to make new rules for them. They really seem to keep those rules better if we start with, “We have a problem, how will we fix it?” rather than “You can’t do that.” Again, haven’t mastered this one yet.

Umbrella #3: Let them have their big feelings.

As we sought help for one of our more challenging teens, a counselor told us that teenagers are like toddlers in that they have really big feelings. It’s ok for them to have those feelings. What they need from us is something steady, so we should resist being offended by their big feelings and just be there to support them while they get through it. This can be really hard when their anger gets directed at us. That is my personal weakness, as I have a tendency to fight back. I’m working on that. What we can and should do is let them know that certain action that hurt our feelings are not ok.

Umbrella #4: Love them unconditionally. 

The advice about parenting teenagers that has had the biggest impact on me was this book, “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers.”

Dr. Chapman shares so much knowledge and helpful advice in this book about affectively loving our teens, whatever their personality type. In my favorite thought from this book, Dr. Chapman reminds us that Jesus taught we should love our neighbor, and he says our nearest neighbor is the teenager living in our house. Thank you, Dr. Chapman!

Umbrella #5: Lean on somebody.

When a new baby comes into the world and needs constant care, it’s obvious that 2 parents are necessary. Sometimes throughout the growing up years, one parent can suffice. But when those teen storms hit, 2 parents again becomes essential! In a world with too many single parents, I’m so grateful to have my husband by my side through these storm years. If you don’t have a spouse to lean on, find a close family member or friend, or maybe one of your teenager’s teachers or church leaders. You don’t want to weather these storms alone.

Even though parenting teenagers can seem intimidating, it’s not all bad. The rain can ease the scorching heat and bring beautiful rainbows. If we can get through these storms well, we can enjoy the beautiful in-between moments, watching our babies turn into adults and appreciating the unique people they are.

Thanks for reading my blog. If you like it, share it. Keep your umbrella handy, and go enjoy your adventure.

For more parenting thoughts, see my Changing Seasons post.