There is a real and unique kind of grief that comes when your baby grows up and leaves home.
A few months ago, kid #6 and I were talking about parenting. She’s 12 right now. She made a very profound comment saying that when you have a baby your focus changes, and your life becomes all about them. It’s so true! Then it only makes sense that when they leave it’s a dramatic change and there is a real feeling of loss. This is a change of seasons that feels heavy to me right now.
The main feelings connected with grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There is no set order for when these feelings come. You can have many other feelings with grief, and they come and go without warning. When grieving for a big kid leaving these feelings come woven together with feelings of gratitude, pride, joy, and amazement. You can cry tears of joy and sadness at the same time.
Denial the first time
Almost 2 years ago our kid #2 moved away to college. Now I realize I was in denial about her moving out. Her bed and several of her things were still in her room. Our home address was still her “permanent address.” I told myself that she’d be back.
It finally hit me earlier this year, on the week she was home before her wedding, that she really had moved out. It would never be the same as it had been. And I cried. It hurt to know that our baby was really grown up and gone. Still, her wedding day was so wonderful, and we were so proud of and happy for her!
Since then I’ve had days and moments when I just miss her so much. One time folding laundry one of her socks randomly showed up. I moaned and hugged it. One day taking my littles to the splash park, #4 played a song that #2 had danced to in a performance in high school. At hearing that song the tears came without warning. I couldn’t make them stop, and I cried quietly for most of the time I was at the park watching the younger kids play.
Feeling lost the second time
Our kid #1 has always been careful about new things. He was the same way when he turned into an adult, not in any hurry to leave home. We had to push him to get a job, wanting him to at least help pay for his living expenses into his 20s. We weren’t surprised when he turned 21 and was still living at home. He spent his time working, doing coding projects, and hanging out with friends.
And then he decided to move out. Of course we respected that, but it still wasn’t easy. It was only a month after #2 got married that he packed up some things and moved to an apartment across town. He’d pop in at our house randomly to get some more of his stuff, then disappear again. Hubby and I finally got to help him on his last trip of taking things to his new place. That felt more satisfying than just watching him go. We were proud of him for being brave enough to make that move.
Even though we had mostly only seen him at dinner time while he was here, I still felt lost when he left. That focus change from myself to my kids had started with him. So where was I supposed to be focussed without him? It took me a while to adjust. And he doesn’t tend to check in with me like #2 does, so I wasn’t sure what that would mean for our relationship. I just felt sad and unsure those first few weeks. I’m slowly adjusting, and realizing that he likes it when I reach out to him, even though sometimes he doesn’t respond.
Here we go again
A few days ago I went with kid #3 to tour a university she’ll be attending soon. So far she has been our teen who gave us the most power struggles. My mom says that teenagers get so ornery so we can stand to let them go. 😆 Even though I can see that her going will be good, it hurts. That’s what makes this kind of grief unique: I feel so proud and happy for them and so sad at the same time. I’m feeling so many emotions as I help her get moving boxes, talk to her about her new place and her plans, and think about how much I’ll miss her when she’s gone. Why did it have to come so fast? 😭
I was recently chatting with a friend who also has a child getting ready to leave for college and I loved what she told me. I’m sharing her words with her permission; “I’m learning that parenting a young adult means that it’s time for me to trust her purpose in life and all she is experiencing is part of her profound mission on this planet. I have to believe we have done our best to cultivate good values that will go with her and help her navigate the challenges of life. Meanwhile, I enjoy any minute she wants to spend with us, even if she’s cranky.”
I also believe that we have done our best to teach our children well, and so far it looks like we’ve done ok. They are each honest, clean, kind people who can take care of themselves. I do believe that each of them has a purpose in this world. I’m very thankful that we have a close enough relationship to them that we can still be a part of their lives. Every message, phone call, or visit from them brings me joy.
I am a better person because I’m their mom. They have brought so much joy and meaning to my life, and chances to learn and better myself! I’ll take the grief with the joy, because I truly believe that parenthood is the greatest adventure!
And in my times of sadness I turn to my faith for strength. “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows… and with his stripes we are healed.” (King James Bible, Isaiah 53:4-5)
