As I mentioned in my About Me page, one of my dreams growing up was to become a mother. I knew from the beginning that in order to do that, I would need a good man by my side. I was blessed to find one.
Since our marriage began in 2001, we have almost always had a garden. A garden takes a good amount of work and dedication. The results of that work and dedication are very satisfying! It gives you a beautiful space and an opportunity to literally eat the fruits of your labors.
Marriage is a lot like a garden. It takes work and dedication, and can be very satisfying! Since I’ve been part of a marriage relationship for over 20 years, I feel like I could give some advice to newer married couples about how to keep a good relationship. I definitely can’t promise any perfection, or mend problems that are very difficult, but if two people are willing and able to make a marriage work, here is some marriage advice that can help.
Marriage Tip #1: Start with good ground.
When you’re starting out a garden, you have to have good soil. This soil will be just the right consistency to hold enough water but not too much. It will also have lots of nutrients to feed your plants.
Marriage is similar. You need to start on common ground, with major beliefs and life goals in common. There needs to be mutual respect, admiration, and love. Choose very carefully because marriage is a big deal and a big commitment. Find someone you can work well with and enjoy being around as well as someone you find attractive.
Before I found my husband I had made a list of qualities I wanted in a man, and found that my Honey fit all my wants and needs. And I know he had certain qualities he had been looking for that he found in me. I guess on that note I could add: make yourself the kind of person someone would want to marry.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
Marriage Tip #2: Expect the rose bush to have thorns.
Over the years and through a few gardens, there have been several plants that have had thorns. We’ve had rose bushes, lime trees, orange trees, a lemon tree and blackberry bushes that are all thorny plants. With the exception of one ornery lime tree, all of these plants have been wonderful providing fruit, flowers and beauty to our garden. We have loved them despite their thorns.
What does that have to do with marriage advice? Well, people aren’t perfect. You’ve gotten to know this person you’re marrying as their best self, some one who always shows up looking and smelling good and on their best behavior. It would be easy to think they will always be this seemingly flawless person you’ve been dating. But when you’re married you get to experience their bedhead, their morning breath, and the way they squeeze the toothpaste tube the wrong way. At this point they might seem a little less amazing. But they really haven’t changed, you just discovered there’s more to them than you knew.
My point is, if you expect your spouse to be a perfect person, you’ll be disappointed. But if you realize that no one is perfect, even you, it will be a lot easier to be patient as you discover the unique quirks of your new spouse. Over time you may even come to love those quirks just because they are unique to the person you love so much.
Marriage Tip #3: Decide on your common gardening methods.
There is more than one way to plant a garden. You may use a method where you plant as many seeds as you can in one space to maximize the food you produce, or you may want to give each plant a little room to maximize the nutrients each plant can get. You may want to use a fish based fertilizer, or only use manure to enhance your soil. You might want to use a drip line and an automatic watering system, or you might find it enjoyable to go water it by hand. But if you are gardening with someone else, and you don’t decide ahead of time how to use your mutual space, you’ll both be upset when the other person is doing it “wrong.”
Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 11:11
The marriage advice here is that there are some important issues that need to be decided on together in order to avoid conflict and upset. In any of these important issues it’s very important to listen until you understand, respectfully express your own feelings, and find a solution that will work well for both of you.
Money is a huge issue in marriage! There should definitely be a plan made ahead of time for earning and spending that you both agree on. Both spouses should be involved in planning a budget, even if it’s a vague one, so they can both be responsible with spending. Staying out of debt as much as possible will also keep things a lot less stressful than they would be otherwise.
Parenting methods is another huge issue as families grow. From what kinds of foods are allowed to disciplining bad behavior to where your kids will go to school, there are so many decisions to be made in raising kids. Both parents should be involved in the big decisions of parenting and there should be a mutual understanding of how these things will be handled in your family.
As these and other important issues come up, talk, listen, and figure out how it will work best in your marriage.
Marriage Tip #4: Pull the weeds and water the plants.
I think it’s safe to say that this is the most commonly known gardening rule. To keep a garden nice and neat, and to keep the soil’s nutrients for the plants you want, the plants you don’t want have to go. And in order for the plants you want there to keep growing, they have to keep being watered.
This rule is easy to translate to marriage advice. Look for the things that don’t do your marriage good and get rid of them, and keep doing the things that make your marriage better.
“Pulling the weeds” in your marriage might look like stopping yourself from complaining about the things they do, to them and to your friends or family. It might look like apologizing when you hurt their feelings. It might look like telling them when they’ve hurt your feelings and giving them a chance to make it better.
“Watering the plants” might look like holding hands, saying I love you, writing a love note. It could be spending time together on projects or dates. It could be laughing together about something funny your kids did. Treat your spouse like they’re your best friend: go to them first with your triumphs and failures, and tell them your secrets. Ask for their advice when you’re not sure what to do. Look for their needs and do your best to take care of them.
Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.
Doctrine and Covenants 42:22
Extra marriage tip for a new baby in the house.
I found it interesting that my breastfeeding classes gave marriage advice for couples with a new baby. They pointed out that many women have a tendency to think that their husbands should know what they need just because they love them. But they don’t know. On the other hand, most new dads really want to help but aren’t sure what to do that’s helpful. Both of those problems are fixed by Mom saying to Dad, “Sweetheart, would you bring me a sandwich?” or whatever it is Mom needs!
Did you know that a Dad’s support is the number one influence on the success of breastfeeding? Mom, remember that Dads are able to do any kind of baby care besides breastfeeding, so ask them for help in lots of tasks. It’s a good rest for Mom and good bonding for Dad and baby. And if Dad changes the diaper a different way than you would, just say thank you and let it go. Pulling the weeds and watering the plants…
(For more on breastfeeding, see Breastfeeding – A Good Start.)
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
Proverbs 31:10-11
Marriage Tip #5: Protect your tomatoes from the javelinas.
Back in the early days of our marriage, we had planted some tomato seeds in planters in the house. We tended them very carefully until they were big enough to live outside. We carefully prepared the soil and transplanted our tomato plants into our backyard. Before even a couple weeks had gone by, some javelinas got into our yard in the night and ate each tomato plant down to just a stick poking out of the ground! We were so upset and disappointed! Before we planted anything else we put up a fence big enough to keep out the javelinas.
Sometimes marriages are upset or ruined by outside forces. But we can put up fences to protect our most precious relationship if we know what to watch for. Things like drugs, alcohol, or pornography are huge at messing up families. Letting our hearts wander to other attractive people can have terrible effects. Sometimes it’s just a matter of spending too much time on something other than your marriage and not paying attention to it slowly fading. You really just have to pay attention, keep up your guard, and do your best to protect your marriage every day.
Marriage Tip #6: Enjoy the fruits of your labors.
There are not many things more satisfying than eating delicious food you’ve grown in your yard. Walking through a beautiful garden space that you’ve created is almost as good. There is just a sense of peace and satisfaction you get from your own garden.
To me, marriage is one of the few things better than the garden. I still love the kisses and the hand-holding. I still love hanging out with him, no matter what we’re up to. I appreciate his skills that are different than mine. I appreciate his help when we have a hard problem to deal with, especially with the kids. I appreciate his help taking care of the housework and with our kids. I love having someone that’s mine, and l love that it’s him!
I love being married to the love of my life! We’re not perfect, but we’re perfect for each other. And we’re doing the best we can to keep our garden growing love.
Thanks for reading my blog. If you liked this marriage advice, please share it. And make the most of your family adventure.
If you’re interested in gardening, click here to Start a Backyard Garden.
To learn more about what I believe about marriage and families see The Family: A Proclamation to the World.
