Today I have some positive parenting tips. Sometimes as parents we need to be gentle, loving, and compassionate when our kids make mistakes. Other times our kids need us to be firm and tough. How do we know when to be what? Mostly by how our kids are feeling.
I can’t tell you all the situations you will come into as a parent, but I can give you some general rules and some examples. This advice is coming from my studying parenting books, talking with family and friends, and being a parent of 10 kids.
There are a lot of good positive parenting books out there. Here are a few I recommend. You can find them on Amazon, some as audio books.
Positive parenting tips are not just about being kind and gentle to your kids all the time. Sometimes we all need corrected, myself included. Without it we would have to learn everything the hard way.
When I talk about being tough with your kids, I mean being straight-forward as to what the rule is, what you as a parent want your kid to be doing, and what the consequences will be if they don’t comply. I do not mean insulting, accusing, belittling or hurting them. The trick here is to choose your words carefully while using a tough tone of voice.
When to Be a Gentle Parent
When your child is feeling guilty or sad about what’s happened, they need a gentle parent. When they’re mad they need a gentle parent.
When your child is feeling guilty or sad about what’s happened, they need a gentle parent.
We have one little son who gets upset quite easily, and when he makes a mistake he feels bad about himself. He rarely needs to be corrected, and never needs scolded, because he scolds himself. This one needs encouragement and comfort.
One mistake that I have worked to correct in myself is to not scold when my kids do something by accident. As I’ve been slower to react and more watchful, it’s easy to see that when they accidentally hurt someone or break something, they already feel bad. If I scold at those times, I only makes things worse. It’s better to be sympathetic.
Here’s an example for this positive parenting tip:
One of our little sons has often dropped his plate of food before he gets it to the table (we usually fill it up at the counter). When we’re all hungry and we have to stop to clean up a mess, it’s easy to say something like, “Not again!” or “Why can’t you be more careful with your plate?” But if I think what he must be feeling I’ll say something like, “Oh, man!” or “What a bummer” and help him clean it up. Just look at their disappointed face instead of the mess on the floor.
When your kids are angry they need a gentle parent. Why? Because they are too upset to listen to reasoning when they’re mad. This one is hard for me when it’s one of the older kids that gets mad at me. My automatic reaction is to yell back. It never helps, though. What does help is when I say, “Please stop yelling at me,” in a calm way. If I can’t keep myself calm, I know I need to take a break and take care of myself before I can handle the situation. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” It’s true, guys.
Once everyone is calm, talk about what happened to see what can go better the next time.
When to Be a Tough Parent
When your child is ignoring, disobeying, or defiant, they need a tough parent.
When your child is not listening, being disobedient, or defiant, they need a tough parent.
It may seem that being a tough parent doesn’t show love, but when we show our children that we will follow through with what we say, we teach them to trust us and help them feel safe. When we show them we’re in charge, they feel secure.
Like I said before, being tough is not the same as being mean. What you want to do is say to them in a matter of fact way, this is the rule, this is what you need to do, this will be the consequence if you don’t, and then follow through.
Here’s an example for this positive parenting tip:
When the two-year-old gets on the table I say, “We don’t get on the table.” When she stays there I say her name and, “Get down off the table,” with a more firm voice. I like to count to three to let them know that’s how long they have to obey before I come help them obey. “One… two… three.” If she still hasn’t gone anywhere, I go get her off the table and try to interest her in something else.
It can be a little more tricky with an older child. A few days ago our five-year-old asked if he could have extra game time (that’s what we call screen time). I said no, that we’d had enough for the day. “Please can we have extra game time?” “No.” “Please can we have extra game time?!” Do your kids play that game with you? Where they just keep asking and asking, trying to wear you down? Don’t give in!
Realize that they are not behaving when they won’t accept your answer. What I said next to my little one, after a few no’s, was, “It’s naughty for you to keep asking when I said no.” Still he repeated it again, to which he got, “If you ask one more time, I’m sending you to your room.” Luckily, he didn’t ask again after that, but there have been times when he’s been sent to his room.
Positive parenting tip: Never give a threat you wouldn’t or shouldn’t follow through with.
Sometimes you have to get creative with your consequences. Maybe your child won’t stay close to you when you’re out for a walk, so the consequence will be that they have to be carried. Maybe one child took something from another and won’t give it back when you ask them, and you just need to walk over and help them give it back. If a teenager keeps asking why they can’t hang out with their friends when you already said no and told them why, they might need a break from their friends for a while. Or one that takes the car some place they didn’t ask to go might need a break from driving for a while. Try to make the consequences match the misbehavior.
Parent Gently, Parent Tough
In summary, when your child is feeling upset, bad, and guilty, they need a gentle parent. When your child if feeling defiant, disobedient, and not listening to you, they need a tough parent.
When you need to be tough, use your big voice and choose your words carefully.
Pay attention to your kids’ feelings so you can respond the way they need you to.
We’ve been practicing these positive parenting tips for a few years now and we’ve seen a lot more peace at home just from trying. For more thoughts on good parenting, see my post How Not to Parent.
Thanks for reading my post. If it was helpful, pass it on. Good luck with your parenting adventure.
