This post will not be easy to write. I’ve known for a while that I would write a post on depression, but I put it off. It’s hard to talk about.
I feel like I’ve been blessed that my own depression, though very real, was not very severe. I was able to overcome my times of depression with priesthood blessings, an effort to increase good habits, and plenty of time. On the other hand, I’ve had some very close loved ones struggle with severe depression, and my worry for them was as hard as when I was depressed myself.
Depression needs Love
As I’ve thought and learned about depression and postpartum depression, I’ve come to believe that depression needs love to heal. It needs the love of those around us to reassure us that we are valuable and likable. It needs the person struggling to love themselves enough to figure out what they are needing and be patient while that need is met.
Sometimes depression just needs small or big changes in habits or lifestyle. Other times depression needs therapy and medicine. It always needs time. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please reach out for/to help. Depression left untreated can be deadly.
Here are a few links to inspiring messages about depression and mental illness:
Addressing Mental Health by Elder Erich W. Kopischke, October 2021
Like a Broken Vessel By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, October 2013
Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide With Me! by By Reyna I. Aburto, October 2019
Three Little Kids and PPD
At one point I spent my days breastfeeding our baby, potty training our 2 year old, and trying to keep our 4 year old out of trouble. That was about it. I started having questions come to my mind like, why am I doing this? What good does it do? Why don’t I feel happy? And sometimes the thought of leaving would come to my mind. I was fighting it, trying hard to convince myself that what I was doing was what I’d always wanted to do. But I wasn’t feeling that. I wasn’t happy. And for me that was a big deal, because I’d always been a happy person.
I did some reading to see if I could figure out what was wrong with me. Postpartum depression was what stood out and seemed right. I went to my husband and told him what was going on, and asked him for a priesthood blessing. I remember in the blessing I was told that I had all the tools I needed to get through that struggle. I was told to study the words of the prophets to find answers to my questions. And I was told to make some exciting goals for myself. Just realizing that the Lord didn’t expect me to forget myself to take care of my children’s constant needs gave me hope.
Just realizing that the Lord didn’t expect me to forget myself to take care of my children’s constant needs gave me hope.
I started studying ancient and modern scripture while I would sit down to nurse my baby. That brought me patience while I nursed and peace to my soul. It helped me find answers to the questions that kept coming up. I can’t remember now what my exciting goals were, but I know I made them, and it helped me feel better about life. About that time was when I decided to start doing preschool with my little ones every afternoon, and that helped to bring out my creativity and keep that 4 year old busy in a good way! With plenty of effort and time, I found my smile again.
Depression again
If I’m honest with myself, I think I had postpartum depression with each of our last 3 babies. The funny thing about postpartum depression is that it doesn’t always come right away. It could be within a few weeks, or after a few months. The only thing that really makes it “postpartum” is that you’ve recently had a baby, which is a very big deal.
Sometimes depression comes from exhaustion, which I think was the reason for my depression after #8. Having a c-section was so hard on my body, and when it had been several months and I still didn’t have my energy back, I really struggled just to feel happy. I kept doing what I could, but I just had to let time heal that one.
And again…
Sometimes depression comes from trauma. With baby #9 I was so discouraged and devastated because after breastfeeding 8 babies, it wasn’t working with him. The details still haunt me sometimes, and the anguish I felt still brings tears to my eyes. I’ll write more on that another time. About the time I found help with that issue, my sister found out she had breast cancer, which felt devastating for our whole family. And very soon after that I learned that someone very close to me was suicidal. Never have I felt so desparate as I did then.
It’s a hard position to be in, seeing the people around you so unhappy.
How could they get to that point without my noticing? How did they hide it so well, and why did they try to fight it by themselves for so long? Looking back I can see that there were signs, but I didn’t know what those signs were pointing to. It felt like my life was falling apart. There I was trying to teach and care for my big family and not knowing if we would actually be ok. At that point I didn’t care much about being happy, only about trying to keep everyone alive.
There were a few people close to me that went through some very hard depression after that. As one person was starting to heal, another would be getting worse. That adds up to years of struggles. Another confessed to me very recently that they had struggled all alone feeling that every day was a fight for their life, but they never told anyone.
It’s a hard position to be in, seeing the people around you so unhappy. It’s easy to think, “If only I had done this better,” and blame yourself, or, “If only they would do that better,” and blame them. But there’s no one to blame. Just like other parts of our bodies get sick, our minds can get sick. The need then is not to blame, but to show love and to figure out what helps.
Just like other parts of our bodies get sick, our minds can get sick.
I was depressed with them, always worrying. Once again I turned to prayer and studying. Those things are soothing for my soul. I learned about the power of my own positive thoughts. I learned about positive parenting. I learned about causes for depression. I started making efforts think of a blessing any time I noticed a negative thought. I made efforts to better myself. Those things helped to bring me peace. I’m very thankful to report that all those people I worried so much about are still alive, and a lot happier now. 🧡
Postpartum Depression One More Time
The birth of our baby #10 was beautiful. We were so happy. But that didn’t stop depression from showing up again within a few weeks. I’m pretty sure it was hormonal that time. I would feel fine sometimes, and other times I would feel heavy and just cry. I just let it come and go as it would, and over time I felt better.
Am I happy all the time now? No, but I’m finding happiness every day. Have I seen the end of depression? Probably not. But I know we can get through it together.
Let us “mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:9). Let us turn to our Lord who has promised that if we do, “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” (John 14:18)
Thank you for reading my post. May God bless you in your adventures.
For some happier thoughts, see Joy in All Their Stages.
