How Not to Parent

Parenting is a big deal to me. Before I was a parent I wanted to learn all I could to get this parenting thing right. When I took a class on families in college, I did a research paper on disciplining children, and I came away with the idea that to get it right I needed to punish bad behavior and praise good behavior. Seems like an effective parenting style, right?

The problem came with the fact that in parenting there are many things that are not clear cut. Is he really misbehaving when he runs too fast in the house? Is she really misbehaving when she forgets to do her chores? Is punishment necessary for little misbehaviors? Is punishment really effective, or is it driving them away from happiness, and from me?

For many years I tried to parent the way I’d thought was best, to praise the good behavior and punish the bad behavior. I was watching way too closely for any bad behavior. There were so many times that I forced myself to come up with some punishment because I thought that’s what was needed, but it was hard and I didn’t like it. Looking back I feel like our #1 got way too many frowns from an overly strict mama. ☹

So there came a point where I realized I needed a change. Over the course of about a year I read about 5 books on parenting that helped me to change my parenting perspective and come up with a new belief about my job as a parent, and about what is an effective parenting style.

I now believe that our true purpose as parents is to help our children feel loved while we teach them what’s right and care for their needs. This changed the idea of punishing to teaching and consequences, which feels way more peaceful. And I started recognizing lots of little things that parents, including myself, often do wrong if they aren’t taught a better way. Which brings me to our topic today, of what not to do in parenting. 

Couch Parenting doesn’t work

It drives me nuts when I see a parent at the park or somewhere, sitting on their behind giving orders to their kids who are not listening. I just want to say “It’s time to do something!” I think it’s just human nature to want to do things with the least energy possible. I even find myself staying on the couch or continuing to wash the dishes while I give my kids loud orders. But it only takes one time now for me to realize that I need the other approach. With no action from me, there will probably be no action from them. 

Close and quiet works way better

When you want your kids to do something, get up, walk over to them, get your face close to theirs and say it with a quiet voice. There is no way for them to pretend they don’t hear you now. Most of the time you will see results with this approach! When it’s not quite enough, help them obey. 

Punishing the details is too harsh

My old parenting style had me punishing even the smallest misbehaviors, and that was hard on both of us. If they didn’t obey right away, they got a time out or an extra chore or their game times cancelled. Yikes! If there is one thing I could tell myself as a younger mom it would be, reminders are usually enough. 

Reminders are usually enough

We all need reminders of what we’re supposed to be doing, especially our kids as they are just learning what’s right and wrong, what’s nice and mean, what’s appropriate or inappropriate. Most of the time a reminder is all they need to correct their behavior. If that’s not enough, help them obey. The little ones are small enough that you can pick them up, or take away the toys they keep throwing, or otherwise undo whatever situation is being taken advantage of. 

“Do it right now” is hard to obey

There are times when you have to stop a child’s behavior immediately, but most of the time it’s not important for them to do something instantly. When they are busy in a game or whatever and we come demanding that they do something else “right now” it’s hard to obey. Think about it. When they come demanding we do something this minute, it’s upsetting. It’s much easier if they let us finish our dishes or our sentence or our thought. 

In a few minutes is easier to do

You may have heard about giving kids a 5 minute warning before a shift in schedule to help things flow easier. This helps for so many things! Dinner in 5 minutes, turn off games in 5 minutes, go home from the park in 5 minutes, or whatever, helps their little minds prepare for the change and gives them a chance to finish up what they’re doing. It doesn’t have to be 5 minutes, it can be “a few minutes” or whatever you feel like. The point is, letting your kids know that they’ll need to change what they’re doing soon makes it easier for them to get it done. Try this effective parenting style and see if it works for you.

“Get over it” doesn’t work

One thing I came across several times in my reading the year that I changed my parenting was the idea of accepting our kids feelings. One book that really helped me understand this idea is called “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (You can find it here on Amazon.) I love how they wrote it so we can put ourselves in our kids’ shoes to understand how they feel about the way we parent. 

Anyway, saying “get over it” to anyone does not help them get over it, but quite the opposite. Since I read this I’ve been watching myself and other parents, and I saw quite a dramatic example of this point one day at a local gymnastics business. There was a little girl crying as her dad was telling her that she just had to get used to this kind of change, that she would never see her other teacher again. About 20 minutes later I saw them again outside and she was still crying. 😕

“It’s ok to feel that way” helps them get over it!

So this book “How to Talk…” and several others, say that when we accept our kids feelings it helps them to accept their feelings and work through them.  Like I said, I’ve been watching, and sometimes I might get a little nosey. 😬 One day at the same gymnastics business, I was sitting close to a woman whose son came to her crying from his class. She talked to him about starting this new class and how he needs to go be part of it.

I’ve seen this same ineffective parenting style over and over and heard parents try in several different ways to convince their kid to go be part of the class because of the money or the time or whatever. They never seem to feel better even if they do go back to their class. But this day I leaned over and said to the boy, “It’s ok to feel nervous. We all feel nervous sometimes.” Soon his mom told him that what I said was right. And guess what. Within 5 minutes he had stopped crying and gone back to his class and didn’t come crying again. It works, guys! 

I think that’s enough parenting tips for today. Go try them out and see if they don’t help you enjoy your adventure a little more. 🙂

For more thoughts on parenting, read my Interruptions post, or click on the parenthood box at the top of this post.