In 2002, my new husband and I were wanting to have children. I was also a college student taking a marriage and family studies class. For a research project, I looked through parenting books and talked to parents in my home town, trying to understand discipline for kids.
One of the things I asked those local parents was whether or not they spanked their kids and if it worked. Out of 20 parents, 18 had used spanking as a means of discipline. 6 said it doesn’t work, 4 said it depended on the child, and 8 of them said it worked. One of them even quoted me a Bible verse: “Foolishness is bound in the heart of the child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him” (Prov. 22:15). Does that verse mean we should spank our kids?
Spanking in my experience
Spanking was a common punishment in my household growing up. So was sitting on “the chair” which is basically what we called a time out. As I child I didn’t question my parents’ disciplining, but I knew I didn’t want to get spanked.
From the research I did as a young adult, I determined that I would not use spanking on my kids. Unfortunately, there have been times in my parenting that I did spank my kids out of frustration. The result of the spanking was my child being sad, not because of what they’d done, but because I spanked them. Plus I felt guilty each time, and I apologized each time. I don’t want to hurt my kids. And how can I expect my kids not to hit each other if I hit them?
What the scriptures say
Some of the verses in the Old Testament that talk about a rod do sound like their talking about spanking, such at Psalm 89:32, “Then will I visit their transgression with the rod, and their iniquity with stripes.” In other verses a rod seems like a more positive thing, such as Psalm 23:4, “Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
Sometimes the Old Testament is hard to understand, just like Shakespear, who’s line I used and changed to make today’s title. But knowing that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Heb 13:8) we can search through the other scriptures to compare and understand the nature of God. This can help us know whether or not He approves of spanking.
Let’s turn to Matthew and Jesus Christ’s Sermon on the Mount. Does Christ say anything about spanking? Not directly, but he does say this: “whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matt 7:12).
If it’s me, I don’t want to be spanked. But I do want to be told with respect that what I did was wrong so that I can do better next time.
How to apply it
Through my 20+ years of parenting, our 10 kids, and plenty of study, this is what I learned to do instead of spanking:
Make sure needs are met
Unmet needs are the biggest cause of bad behavior in my children and in myself. It’s ok and right to pause to take care of yourself so you can be calm to take care of your kids. It’s ok and right to recognize that a temper tantrum was because someone was hungry or frustrated or tired, and not rush to punish their bad behavior. Look for the needs and fix them. Then you can calmly talk about what would have been a better way to handle the situation.
You don’t always need a consequence
After years of believing that I had to punish bad behavior in order for my kids to learn, I was relieved to find out that just isn’t true. A lot of the time all they need is one sentence to tell them their behavior wasn’t right.
Consequences vs Punishment
When a child needs more than just needs met and correcting words, be careful with what you do next. A punishment will make a child suffer for their mistake, and hurt your relationship. A consequence will stop a bad behavior and and teach them to fix it.
A non-spanking story
Our little #9 is a mischeivious one.
For a month or so this little #9 would come to me mutliple times a day tattling on himself. He would tell me things like, “I picked my nose and ate it,” or “I knew you didn’t want me to throw the ball hard and I did it anyway,” or, “I opened my eyes 20 times in the prayer.” 🙄 He was also being disobedient, purposely avoiding directions or doing the opposite of what I told him. He kept breaking our homeschool rules and getting strikes. As time went on he started to tell me at bed time that he was a naughty boy because he did so many naughty things. It had to stop.
When he was not obeying, a timeout worked well for the moment. But I coudn’t just keep letting this behavior keep happening every day. What was it he needed? I thought and prayed and talked to my husband. What #9 needed was positive attention. I had to remember that I knew from experience that positive attention is just as important as correction when we’re teaching our children to behave. And I needed someway to help him see himself as a good boy.
I printed out a simple grid with squares big enough for stickers to fit it and titled it, “Moroni’s good job chart.” I told him that everytime he told me something good he’d done he could have a sticker for it. He could also earn 2 stickers by not getting any strikes at school that day. We are about halfway through that chart, and guess what? He is more obedient, his behavior at school time has improved dramatically, and he hasn’t come tattling on himeslf for weeks! Hurray!
I know that when we do our best to teach our children in a respectful way, the Lord will help us with each individual child. He knows and loves them better than we do.
Thanks for reading my post. I hope you’re enjoying your adventure!
