I’ve written before about “terrible twos,” along with running ones and grouchy threes. These little ones all have big feelings sometimes, and they usually seem overly dramatic for whatever the situation is. But the fact of the matter is, they are acting their age. The problem comes when they don’t learn how to accept and deal with those feelings in a healthy way, so that throwing a fit is still their go-to when they’re older.
How do we help these little kids with their big feelings? Well, I feel a lot more qualified to answer that question now than I did a couple decades ago, partly because of studying, and a lot because of practicing.
Keep Yourself Calm
Keeping yourself under control is so important in helping kids learn to deal with their feelings. For one thing, they are watching your example and want to copy it. For another thing, you can’t help in a situation if you can’t control yourself. I can tell you from experience that the times I have kept myself calm have ended way better than when I’ve gotten upset no matter what my kids did.
How do you keep yourself calm? You can prevent your own breakdowns by making sure your needs are met. You have to keep yourself on the list of people you’re taking care of. Are you hungry? Tired? Just completely overwhelmed with life? Take a break! I know that’s way easier said than done, but it’s worth the effort. You’ll come back a better version of yourself and better able to deal with everyone else’s problems. Literally. (See Stealing Some Time.)
So what if you have a breakdown when they do? Is all hope lost? Do you hide in the closet and think what a bad parent you are? I mean, I’ve been there… but that doesn’t fix it. And guess what? When you go apologize to your child for having behaved badly, they learn that when they behave badly they need to go apologize. And then you try really hard to prevent it from happening again, and they see that too. And it’s ok.
Find a Calm Space
When a little one gets all upset, it helps them to deal with their feelings if they can be removed away from the crowd if you’re out at the zoo, etc. Take them away from what made them upset to help them calm down.
Next, wait till they calm down. Some of them will want held, and others will want space. Pay attention to their body language to know what they need from you. It may take some trial and error to figure out what works best for each child.
While you wait for them to calm down, think about what they need. They might be throwing a fit because they are thirsty or hungry or tired. They might be upset because they are frustrated about something or because they don’t feel like they get enough control. Sometimes they have to get their needs met before they can be calm again.
Talk When They’re Calm
Once your kiddo has calmed down, it’s time to talk about it. If they’re old enough to talk, ask them to tell you about what happened. Resond in a way that they know you heard them. If they aren’t good at speaking yet, you tell the story and talk about what you saw that they were feeling.
If your child was misbehaving when they were upset, this is the time to talk about what we shouldn’t do with our anger. We should not yell and scream, or throw ourselves around. We should not hurt people or things around us. We should not say hurtful things to each other.
This is also the time to tell what we should do with our feelings. We should know that it’s ok to feel upset. Saying what made us upset can often help us start to feel better. Telling a person that upset us that we felt upset when they did that certain thing lets them know what not to do next time. Or sometimes it’s what we’re doing that frustrates us and we just need to step back and rethink before we keep going. Say these things to your child in a way that is setting the rules and not accusing them of anything.
A Peek at My Own Parenting
You may have seen my last post “A Mom’s Day,” which had a video to go with it. As I thought back on that day and wrote that post, I didn’t think to write the part where our little daughter threw a fit. As I edited the video, though, I was pleased that I saw myself helping her with her feelings.
I was in the living room cleaning up a game that I’d just played with my homeschoolers, and the little one stomped away screaming. She’s good about taking herself to a quiet space when she’s upset. I followed the sound of her screams to the laundry room, where she sat upset on a bucket. When I asked her about a hug she didn’t respond, so I gave her a minute. Then I asked again if she was ready to get a hug and feel better.
She took a deep breath and put her hand in mind. That was my sign that she was ready for my hug. I picked her up and listened as she told me what she was upset about. Then I confirmed what she said, the way she had said it. Next I asked if she’d like some water, and she said yes, so we got a drink, and that was that.
Thanks for reading my post. I hope it was clear and helpful. For some good reading on communicating with your kids look for “How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk” by by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Enjoy your adventure!
