“What do you do about them fighting?” she asked me.
“I mostly tell them to knock it off,” was my short answer.
It was less than 100 degrees in August in the Arizona desert! Amazing! My younger kids and I needed to get out of the house, so we went to the park. It was still too warm to be really fun, but there was one other mom there with her 3 little kids. As I was chatting with her I mentioned that I have 10 kids and she asked, “How do you do it?” As I stumbled for an answer she followed with, “Do you know Jesus? Is that how you do it?” The answer is Yes! That is how I get through every day and find peace and joy in this very demanding job!
And her next question was about how to get kids to stop fighting. I know I didn’t do a good job of answering that question. I kept thinking about it, though. My better answer starts with – it depends on what they’re fighting about.
Just so you know, our house has friendly chaos a lot more than fighting. But with 10 kids and 20 years, we’ve had plenty of chances to learn how to get them to stop fighting.
Why do siblings fight?
I was watching my kids as I thought about what they fight about. Sometimes they fight over toys. Sometimes they fight for attention. Sometimes they are just grouchy and fight about everything. Sometimes they are finding fault in each other, or just being careless about their words. Each different scenario needs a different solution, so make sure you find out why they’re fighting. You might have to watch their body language to figure out what they need.
It’s good for kids to practice working things out by themselves, but when they are young they need some coaching. Try to get to them before they’re too upset to listen to your coaching. If they are too upset to listen, separate them and work on the issue when they’ve cooled off.
Fighting over Toys
Problem: Little ones often fight over toys. When one picks up another’s toy and the other sees it, they get upset. “That’s my toy! Give it to me!”
Problem: Another common toy fight is when a toy doesn’t really belong to one kid, but they both see it and want it. At out house this happens when something has been missing for a while and then someone finds it. Maybe they both want the same Lego piece to build their newest structure with.
How to get your kids to stop fighting over toys: My approach to fighting over toys is to tell them that Jesus says we should share. My kids often hear me say, “Your brother is more important than your toy.” I encourage them to work something out with each other. Sometimes we set a timer for one to have some time with it before the other has a turn. If none of these work, I take the toy and hide it till things have settled down.
Fighting for Attention
Problem: When someone is craving attention and they ask for it by teasing, it can cause problems. We see this often around here! They just keep bugging someone until they explode. Yikes!
How to get your kids to stop fighting for attention: This is one where I usually start with, “Stop it.” If that doesn’t work I turn my full attention to them. Sometimes it helps to change the subject, turn on some music, or suggest something fun to do. Sometimes the only thing that works is to put aside whatever I was doing and just be with them until that need for attention is met.
Let us follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.
Romans 14:19
Fighting because they’re cranky
Problem: Sometimes one of the kids is just in a bad mood and will fight with anyone that crosses their path. Yikes!
How to get your kids to stop fighting when they’re cranky: Look for their need. Do they need sleep? Do they need a hug? Do they need some quiet alone time? In a busy household like ours, this is a very real need that has to be met! Do they need food? Did something happen earlier in their day that they need to talk about? Figuring out what they need is the quickest way to find peace again.
Fighting about Conflicting Wants
Problem: When a couple kids want to do something that they can’t both do at the same time, things start to heat up. Maybe they both want to use the computer, or they want the same seat in the car. A big quarrel at our house has been over who gets to use the Xbox at the next game time.
How to get your kids to stop fighting about conflicting wants: For our Xbox issue we made a sign up sheet! Sometimes you can prevent future conflicts with rules, charts, and creativity. By sticking to our chart, there is a lot less fussing over who’s turn it is, and the kids can usually figure out an issue without my help. Other similar issues that don’t occur as often are handled with reminders that our siblings are more important than the issue and encouragement to compromise. If no compromise is reached, no one gets to do what they wanted.
Fighting over Someone’s Mistake
Problem: Sometimes when one sibling does or says something that’s not quite right, another sibling will correct them. Whether it’s harsh correction or not, it can make angry feelings.
Problem: When one kid sees another doing something they think is wrong, sometimes they get mad that I haven’t corrected them.
How to get your kids to stop fighting over a mistake: This one is hard, especially when I don’t agree with the kid that’s fussing about the other’s mistake. What should I do about it? I usually say something, again, about their sibling being more important than the problem. It helps if I can remember to accept their feelings. A reminder that everyone makes mistakes is a good idea, as well as the fact that people just think differently about how to do things. A lot of times they both just need space to cool off and realize what they were fussing over is not important at all.
Fighting about Hurt Feelings
Problem: Sometimes siblings fight because one hurts another’s feelings. Often it’s because they were teasing too roughly or they let some careless words jump out of their mouth.
How to get your kids to stop fighting over hurt feelings: This kind of issue needs empathy and an apology. I’ve had some kids that are very quick to say I’m sorry when they know they’ve hurt someone, but others who seem to struggle to get those words out of their mouth. Sometimes if the hurt is deep, I have them also do some service to make up for their error.
And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel with one another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness.
But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.
-Mosiah 4: 14-15
Is the Parent the Problem?
My Hubby and I do not want to be a source of contention between our children. We make great efforts to love each of our children for the individuals they are and not compare them or pick favorites. I’m pretty sure that each one knows how much we value them individually. Each one is unique, and they have a right to be themselves.
I have read in several parenting books that parents can cause damage in sibling relationships by comparing them or picking favorites. One really good book about encouraging good sibling relationships is called “Siblings Without Rivalry” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Be careful to love each of them and let them know it.
It’s also important to be a good example of not fighting. Making an effort not to start fights, and not fight back when we feel upset is really important. Saying I’m sorry when we mess up is essential. There have been so many times that I’ve noticed my kids say or do something just like me. Have you seen that too? They watch us and mimic us, so we have to watch ourselves.
Why Teaching Peacemaking is Important
No matter why siblings fight, learning how to get your kids to stop fighting and settle conflicts peacefully is so important. You don’t have to open a history book to know that fighting tears apart families, causes terrible destruction of people and places, and makes so much sadness in our world. And where do people learn to deal with conflicts? In their own homes, in their own families.
We as parents have a responsibility to teach our children to stop fighting and to love each other. I know it’s not easy, and I’m not perfect at it. But I know the Lord will help us with that, just as He can help us through all aspects of our parenting. If you didn’t find any helpful hints in this post, ask God, and listen quietly for the inspiration you need. He wants you to succeed.
President Russell M. Nelson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gave a beautiful talk called “Peacemakers Needed” in a worldwide conference in April 2023. I loved listening to it! I strive to live by it.
Thanks for reading my post. God bless your efforts to make more peace in your parenting adventures.
For more on discipline, see Be Tough and Gentle.
